


Pride

by SailorLestrade



Series: Nothing Else Matters [5]
Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: And there are fluffy parts, But it does get fluffy, Homophobia, M/M, News Media, Protective Nikki, Suicide Attempt, hurt tommy, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-14 05:12:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19266541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorLestrade/pseuds/SailorLestrade
Summary: The media finds out about Tommy and Nikki.





	1. Chapter 1

Pride

It was a beautiful day in California. The boys had nothing going on and Tommy and Nikki had spent most of the day in their home, just relaxing and being together. Tommy had had a few rough days here and there, days he had been unable to pull himself out of bed, things like that. Nikki had asked him a few times if he thought his meds were working, and Tommy would put a smile on his face and say of course, before pecking Nikki on the lips.

“You know,” Tommy said as the sunny morning blended into a sunny afternoon. “We haven’t been out on a date in awhile.”

“We haven’t?” Nikki asked teasingly with a smile. “What about when we went to the grocery store the other day?” Tommy narrowed his eyes.

“If that’s your idea of a date, I don’t know if I want to marry you still,” He laughed a little as Nikki got up and wrapped his arms around Tommy, pulling his back against his chest so he could kiss on his neck.

“You’re stuck with me though. Where one twin goes, the other one has to too,” Nikki laughed before nipping at Tommy’s neck, making him moan a little. “So baby, where would you like to go for our date? A movie? Dinner? Egging Vince and Mick’s houses?” He laughed a little.

“As tempting as acts of vandalism is, I think I’ll just go with dinner,” Tommy was smiling and it made Nikki’s heart flutter. Tommy didn’t smile as much as he used to, but after hearing the radio interview, Nikki was sure that some of that was fake.

“Okay. I’ll get on that,” Nikki kissed Tommy gently. “Why don’t you go relax by the pool? The day is too nice to stay inside.”

“That sounds like a good idea. I get any paler and people will start thinking I’m Mick,” Tommy smiled and kissed Nikki again before going to change into his swim suit. Even though the pool was fenced in, and Tommy hardly wore clothes out on stage, he still would sometimes be a little modest at home. Now, his swimsuit was a speedo, and a lot of times he told Nikki he only wore it because he had gotten a sunburn on his dick before, and he was not letting that happen ever again.

Tommy jumped into the pool while Nikki made some calls to find someplace nice for him and Tommy to have dinner that night. He watched his fiance through the kitchen window and couldn’t stop the smile that spread on his face. They were finally getting back to their normal and Nikki couldn’t be happier. He was so lucky to have Tommy in his life. If things had played out differently, they might not be where they were at. And Nikki was a little scared of a few of the alternatives.

Nikki paused for a moment. If he had been five minutes later that day, or he had decided to take a shower instead of going to Tommy’s apartment, he wouldn’t be setting up a date right now with the man he loved. He wouldn’t be watching him play around in the pool with the boombox playing. There wouldn’t be a drum set in his music room, Tommy’s clothes wouldn’t be in the closet, his toothbrush wouldn’t be in the bathroom, and Nikki wouldn’t be wearing a matching engagement ring. Motley Crue would be over, and all because Nikki didn’t find Tommy before it was too late.

He had to close his eyes for a moment and just breathe. He braced himself against the counter and closed his eyes. He still had nightmares sometimes about what he had found that day. His Tommy, laying on the floor, a puddle of blood around him, a knife in his hand.

“But he’s here,” Nikki told himself, opening his eyes and watching as Tommy got one of the pool floats and threw himself on it. “He’s here, he’s alive, and we’re getting married.” Nikki smiled a little to himself as he picked up the phone to make a reservation for the night.

After a little while, Nikki joined Tommy outside. He sat on one of the lounge chairs while Tommy floated around the pool. If things had been different, Tommy could’ve been a professional swimmer. But he had never been more glad that the drummer had come up to him and talked to him. Nikki played with the ring on his finger. If not for that night, Nikki would be with shitty bands with shitty names, and he had no idea where everyone else would be.

“Are you going to just sit there and admire how sexy I am, or are you going to join me?” Tommy’s voice cut into Nikki’s train of thought. Nikki smiled as he saw Tommy looking over at him. 

“I got us into that Italian place downtown that we like,” Nikki told Tommy with a smile. “I thought you’d like that.”

“You know I love Italian food,” Tommy beamed at him. “Seriously though, are you gonna get in the pool with me or not?”

“I thought I’d just watch you for a bit,” Nikki laughed.

“Yeah, that’s not creepy at all babe,” Tommy laughed, splashing Nikki a little before lounging back on his float. Nikki’s eyes scanned up Tommy’s lanky body, admiring the tattoos that were starting to cover his skin, the scars from bar fights and crazy exes, the way his swimsuit hugged him just right. Nikki licked his lips.

“Hey T-Bone?” Nikki got Tommy’s attention.

“Yeah babe?” Tommy answered.

“I think we should go take a shower before dinner. What do you think?” Nikki asked with a smirk. Tommy laid there for a second before scrambling off the float and swimming to the ladder.

“Why didn’t you say so before?” He laughed before he followed the bassist into the house.

****

Nikki drove them towards the restaurant. The rock station was playing softly and he had his fingers laced with Tommy’s. He rubbed his thumb over Tommy’s knuckles, enjoying the peace in it all. If things were different, if they weren’t in the spotlight, Nikki wouldn’t hesitate to do that in public. But they had their careers and Tommy understood. He was just so damn happy that Nikki was in his life.

Nikki parked the car and sat there for a minute, just looking over at Tommy and smiling.

“I love you so much.” He told him.

“I love you too,” Tommy looked around then leaned over and kissed Nikki gently. He figured since they were in the car and no one was around, it was okay.

Unaware of the man that was watching them, with a camera in his hand.

****

Tommy and Nikki returned home after their dinner and a drive around LA. They made love before going to bed, not hearing the phone ringing since Nikki had silenced the one in their bedroom. It was the first night in a long time they both slept straight through the night, no nightmares waking either of them up. Nikki had Tommy pulled to him, Tommy’s head pillowed on Nikki’s chest, where his tattoo sleeve was starting to expand to cover his body.

Nikki woke up first, and as much as he hated to move away from Tommy, he had to pee. So he slowly moved out from under the drummer and headed to the bathroom. When he came out, he saw that Tommy’s habit of stretching to fill the bed when no one else was with him had reared its head. Shaking his head, Nikki headed to the kitchen to get some coffee when he saw the light flashing on the answering machine. He pressed the button then went to the coffee pot.

“Nikki and Tommy, it’s Mick. Call me back as soon as you get this. We need to talk.” Mick’s voice rang out. Nikki raised an eyebrow but shrugged and went back to his coffee as the next message played.

“Assholes! A heads up about you making your relationship public would’ve been nice!” Vince said this time, which made Nikki frown. Making the relationship public? They hadn’t done that. The doorbell was ringing then. Nikki opened the front door as Vince and Mick came in.

“What’s going on?” Nikki asked.

“You guys didn’t learn after that tabloid ran Tommy’s suicide story?” Vince asked, shoving the magazine in his face. “It’s everywhere man.” Nikki took the magazine and stared at the picture. It was a little grainy, but it was him and Tommy in Nikki’s car, Tommy’s lips on Nikki’s.

“Shit.” Nikki growled. “They must have snuck up on us at the restaurant last night.”

“So you didn’t plan this?” Vince asked.

“Why would they plan this?” Mick asked. Tommy joined the group then, robe wrapped around them.

“Hey dudes, what’s up?” He asked. Nikki tried to hide the magazine, but Tommy grabbed it from behind his back. “Looking at Playboys or…” He froze when he saw the picture on the page. “Oh my god…”

“Tommy…” Nikki said softly. Tommy looked up at Nikki with wide eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” The drummer whispered. “This is all my fault. I…” He dropped the magazine and ran back to the bedroom, shutting and locking the door.

“Fuck!” Nikki yelled out. “Why can’t they just leave us alone?!”

“They might soon,” Vince shrugged. “Things might be more progressive out here, but there’s still plenty of homophobic assholes.”

“Why to make things better Vince,” Mick grumbled. He looked at Nikki. “What are you going to do?”

“Right now, I need to try to calm Tommy down. Then we’ll deal with it,” Nikki ran a hand down his face. “Why can’t people just mind their own damn business?”

“Because we’re famous,” Vince told him. He headed towards the door.

“We’ll have a band meeting when Tommy calms down,” Mick added, following Vince towards the door. “Mental health is really important right now.”

****

Tommy laid curled up in bed, blankets pulled over him. He had been the one to kiss Nikki in the car. It was his fault the picture even existed. How could he be so stupid? He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to focus on his breathing.

“Tommy?” Nikki’s voice was on the other side of the bedroom door. “Hey, open the door honey. Mick and Vince are gone.” Tommy couldn’t bring himself to get up. Because Nikki might be sweet to him right now, but here in a few days, he wouldn’t be anymore, he just knew it. He knew that in the end, Nikki would end up leaving him. “Baby, please.”

Tommy finally pulled himself out of bed and unlocked the door but didn’t open it. He crawled back into bed as he heard the knob turn and Nikki make his way into the room. He felt the bed dip as Nikki sat on it, and the bassists fingers in his hair.

“You hate me, don’t you?” Tommy asked softly.

“What?” Nikki looked down at the drummer. “Tommy, look at me.” The drummer turned his head to look up at Nikki. Nikki could see the happiness and light that had been in Tommy’s eyes just the day prior was gone. “I could never hate you. This was not your fault. It was those damn vultures that have nothing better to do with themselves. You did nothing wrong.”

“I kissed you in the car. That picture was of me kissing you,” Tommy whimpered. “It’s my fault Nikki…”

“Babe, you did nothing wrong. They’re just assholes. No matter what happens, we’re in this together, okay?” Nikki brushed his brown hair out of his face.

“Okay…” Tommy nodded. Nikki leaned down and kissed him gently.

“I’m still marrying you,” Nikki told him with a smile. “You’re not getting rid of me that easy. I’ve finally got you, and I’m not letting you go.”

****

“For the most part, everything’s been pretty calm,” Nikki told Mick and Vince as they met with him and Tommy a few days later. “I mean, obviously not everyone is accepting, but they can deal with it.”

“How are you both doing?” Mick asked, watching them both. Tommy had been quiet most of the meeting.

“Great,” Tommy told him, offering a bit of a smile. “Just...great.”

“So far no major backlash,” Vince told them, nodding. “Maybe it will just pass over and someone will focus on whatever stupid shit Axl Rose is doing?”

“You know he’s going to fuck up and do something stupid,” Nikki laughed a little. “I have a couple meetings today to try to help things along a little bit though.”

“Our PR is pretty hard at work,” Vince chuckled. “Good job you two.”

“I think we’ve had more fan support than we thought we would,” Mick reported. “I thought they would be pissed, but I guess they figured with all the makeup you two wore back when we first started, and all the Aquanet you used…” Nikki slapped his arm. “Hey! I’m old. Don’t do that.” The phone rang then.

“I got it,” Tommy said, standing up and picking up the cordless phone. “Hello?”

“Thomas…”

Tommy’s blood ran cold. He glanced over at the guys, who were still settled where he had left them, talking like nothing was going on. Making sure none of them saw him, he slipped into the music room.

“H-hey dad,” Tommy said. “Long time no talk. How’s mom?”

“I saw the articles,” David Bass stated. “It’s hard to miss.”

“I…” Tommy paced the room, phone to his ear. “Is that how you tracked me down?”

“We thought you got over it,” David stated. “We thought you had figured out what was right when we saw you with that Heather girl before. And all the other girls before that. But you didn’t learn did you?”

“I can’t change who I am dad,” Tommy told him. “I’ve liked guys since I was fifteen, or maybe before that. I can’t change it, even if I wanted to.”

“I should’ve known when you’d steal your sister’s clothes,” David spat. “And I’ve seen that band of yours. You look like a bunch of queers. The people you surround yourself with...they’re sick son. And they’ve spread their illness to you.”

“Dad, please…” Tommy whispered.

“You need help Thomas. You need to get away from them. They made you sicker than you were.” Tommy squeezed his eyes shut, the night that he told his parents about the band, wanting to drop out of school, and his father said something about catching him kissing a guy from his school. They had been upset about the band, they were angry about dropping out, but they were disgusted by the fact that he was attracted to guys.

“I’ve got to go dad,” Tommy told him. “It was great talking to you. Send my love to mom.”

“Thomas, our church will help you. They have camps and pamphlets and…” Tommy hung up then and sat on his drum stool. His hands were shaking and his eyes were filled with tears. Why couldn’t his dad just love him? Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he just be happy for him?

“Tommy? Where’d ya go?” He heard Nikki said from down the hall. He took a couple breaths to pull himself together and opened the door, making his way out to Nikki with a fake smile plastered on his face.

“Sorry, that was my therapist,” Tommy told him. “I thought about scheduling an appointment for later.”

“Oh, that might be a good idea,” Nikki hugged him. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, just trying to figure out how to process everything,” Tommy laughed a little.

“Want me to talk you to your appointment?” Nikki asked, cupping his face.

“I’m okay. You got your meetings. I’ll be fine.” Tommy told him. He looked over at Mick and Vince, who had been watching them. “What’s up?”

“Nothing…” Mick said, frowning a little. He could see how tense Tommy was, how on edge.

“Well, I’ve gotta take my girlfriend out for the day,” Vince stood up. “Just keep me posted about everything or whatever.” He got up to leave. Mick stuck around for a second, just watching Tommy, before he left as well. Nikki and Tommy stood in their living room.

“You sure you’ll be okay without me?” Nikki asked with a bit of a laugh. Tommy smiled at him.

“I think I’ll be okay,” Tommy told him. “I love you.” Nikki kissed him gently.

“I love you too baby,” Nikki smiled at him. “When I get home, we’ll get something to eat and watch a movie. Anything you want.” Tommy just nodded and watched as Nikki got his things and left.

Tommy just wanted to relax, just get himself under control, but his brain wasn’t ready to do that. Instead, it decided to make life more miserable on him.

“You need help Thomas. You need to get away from them. They made you sicker than you were.”

Tommy squeezed his eyes shut and worked on his breathing. His dad’s voice was mixing with that one that was always in the back of his head.

“Look at that shiny knife over there on the counter,” The monster in his head told him. “And that clean kitchen floor. Needs a little red, doesn’t it?”

“Stop it!” Tommy cried.

“Nikki could find you again. It could be an anniversary present. Or using that gun of his that he keeps. Better yet, drive out to the desert, find yourself a no name motel on the edge, that gun in your bag.”

Tommy didn’t realize he was sitting on the floor. He was shaking, his body just begging for some rest. And that’s what he should have done, but instead of going to bed, he pulled himself up and picked up a phone book, flipping through the pages to find a motel outside of LA. He found one and called them up.

“Do you make reservations?” Tommy asked. “Uh, this evening. Name? T...Frank Feranna.” Tommy nodded a bit then hung up. He headed up to the bedroom and packed a few clothes, just in case he changed his mind, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t. He pulled open the drawer on Nikki’s bedside table. There laid the gun. Nikki kept it for protection, a force of habit he had from years of living in the shittest part of LA in the shittest apartments possible. Tommy picked it up. It felt heavy in his hand, but it wasn’t that heavy of a gun. He checked the chamber. Nikki kept it loaded, because you never knew when something was going to come up. Tommy looked around the room before he placed it in his bag with the clothes.

He made his way over to Nikki’s song notebook. This one was special. Tommy had gotten it for him for his birthday a few years ago, before everything changed in their lives and they were just two dumbasses pining over each other. Carefully, Tommy opened to a clean page, one without Nikki’s sloppy, but beautiful handwriting. He wasn’t sure if he should tear a page out, or leave it in the notebook. Hit him hard early, or leave it for him to find in the future? Tommy tore it out then, not wanting to cause anyone anymore pain. He scribbled out a letter in his own sloppy, but less beautiful handwriting, and folded it, sticking it on his pillow.

“I’m so sorry,” Tommy whispered softly to the empty house as he took a deep breath.

****

Nikki had gotten halfway to his meeting in North LA when something in the back of his head kept bugging him. Tommy had been acting a little off, but Nikki was so determined to see that he was getting better, that he was happy. He was mentally kicking himself. If Tommy was upset and he missed it…

He did a U-turn and headed back to his and Tommy’s house, a nagging feeling in his gut.

****

Tommy had just shut and locked the front door, heading for his motorcycle when he heard the familiar roar of an engine. Not just any engine, but Nikki’s Porsche. He turned, watching as the bassist pulled into the driveway and got out of the car.

“Tom?” Nikki asked. “Where are you going?”

“I, uh...therapy…” Tommy told him. Nikki frowned.

“Since when do you take a full bag with you to therapy?” Nikki asked. “I...are you leaving me?”

“What?” Tommy asked.

“Are you ashamed of what happened?” Nikki felt tears filling his green eyes. “Of us?”

“Never!” Tommy shouted. “I’m not ashamed of us!”

“Then why are you leaving?” Nikki asked. Tommy couldn’t hold it in then. He broke down, tears falling down his face. Nikki ran to him, wrapping his arms around him and pulling his slightly taller frame close to his. “Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. I got you.”

“I’m so sorry…” Tommy sobbed. Nikki carefully led him back inside, taking his bag from him. Tommy’s eyes snapped open, but he didn’t have enough time to say anything before Nikki was tossing it on the coffee table.

Where it made a nice clink noise.

“What the fuck?” Nikki asked softly, going to the bag and opening it. His hands were shaking as he pulled out the gun and looked at Tommy. “What is this?” Tommy didn’t answer, just looking down at the floor. Along with the gun were a couple changes of clothes and the motel address, reservation time, and what name he had used. “Frank Feranna, High Desert Motel. 6 pm. What is this Tommy?”

“Nothing…” Tommy whispered.

“Thomas what is this?!” Nikki all but screamed. He didn’t miss the way Tommy flinched back and started shaking. “Tommy?” His voice softened as he watched him shake. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m so sorry…” Tommy whispered. Nikki sat by him and cupped his face, looking into his eyes.

“That phone call wasn’t your therapist, was it?” Nikki asked. Tommy shook his head no. “Who was it? I’ll kill them if they said something to you.”

“It was my dad…” Tommy whispered. Nikki frowned.

“What did he say?” Nikki asked. He didn’t know the truth about Tommy not talking to his parents. No one except Athena did. And she was cool with who her brother was. She loved him no matter what. So why couldn’t his parents?

“I...remember how when we met, not long after I told you that my parents kicked me out for wanting to drop out of school to join a band?” Tommy whispered. Nikki nodded. “That wasn’t the complete truth.”

“What do you mean?” Nikki asked.

“My parents...my dad...he saw me kissing a boy from school,” Tommy told him. “So when I told them I was dropping out of school to join the band with you, he asked if it…” Tommy closed his eyes and sobbed. “He asked if it was because I was a faggot. I was so confused until he told me what he saw, and I admitted that I liked boys and girls. And he told me I was sick, that I needed help, things like that. So I left, moved into the apartment with you and Vince…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Nikki asked softly. “Back in ‘81, when you said that your dad kicked you out…”

“Because I didn’t want you guys to be disgusted by me,” Tommy admitted. “Being gay, or bisexual, or whatever the fuck I am, it wasn’t exactly a cool and trendy thing. It was mainly stripped down to stereotypical, feminine men and butch women, waving rainbows and living in San Francisco. That’s not me.” Tommy sighed.

“Baby,” Nikki pulled him close to him. “You know I love you. I always love you. No matter what you do. You could braid your hair into cornrows and sing rap and I’d still love you.”

“Then why can’t my parents?” Tommy asked softly. “Why can’t my dad love me for who I am?”

“I wish I had an answer for you sweetie,” Nikki held him close. “But I don’t exactly have a good relationship with either of my parents. And I know that you were really close to yours growing up. I wish I could tell you everything will be okay, that they’ll see their mistakes and realize that you’re happy, but I can tell you that I love you, and I’m here for you no matter what happens.”

“You deserve a better fiancé than me,” Tommy whispered. “You’re too good for me.”

“We both have been dealt shitty hands in life. I think this is the universe's way of saying sorry. It brought us together.” He gently brushed a thumb across Tommy’s cheek before he leaned in and kissed him gently. Tommy kissed back, letting Nikki hold him.

“I’m sorry about your meetings,” Tommy whispered when they broke apart.

“If I hadn’t come back, you’d be at a desert motel with my gun,” Nikki shook his head. “I can’t lose you. I want to marry you. You’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me.” He brushed some stray hairs out of Tommy’s face. “What about that food and movie date I promised you? We can do pay-per-view, or run down to Blockbuster. We’ll get some pizza and wings of course. There’s some beers in the fridge…”

“I’m a little tired,” Tommy whispered. Nikki nodded.

“Then what about I do all that while you’re napping?” He asked. “So when you wake up, it’s ready?”

“That sounds great,” Tommy smiled a bit. Nikki took his hand and led him up to their room. Tommy almost forgot about the note until Nikki picked it up.

“What’s this?” Nikki asked. Tommy went to get it but Nikki took a step back.

“Please…” Tommy whispered. Nikki nodded. He knew what this was. Tommy’s last goodbye. “I...can you just throw it away please?”

“Okay babe,” Nikki nodded. “I’ll throw it in the fireplace. How’s that sound? That way, no one can find it.” Tommy nodded. “Now, you get some sleep and I’ll get the stuff for tonight.”

“Okay,” Tommy kissed Nikki gently before crawling into their bed and falling asleep. Nikki took the note with him, ready to throw it into the fireplace, but his curiosity got the best of him. He sat down and opened it up.

Nikki,

Let me start off by saying that I love you, and this isn’t your fault. I’ve tried for so long to make myself be the person everyone wants me to be, and I can’t do it anymore. By the time you read this, I’ll probably be gone. I checked into the Desert High Motel and I used your old name. I’m not sure which room I got. I took your gun with me, I hope you don’t mind. There’s plenty of better musicians out there who could take over the drums so Motley Crue doesn’t have to stop partying. I heard Randy Castillo is pretty good…

Anyway, I’ve got to go. I love you Nikki. I’m sorry that you wasted so much time on me.

T-Bone

Nikki closed his eyes to stop the tears, but it didn’t help. They were streaming down his face as he crumpled the paper up and buried it under the logs in the fireplace, ready to burn when they lit a fire.

****

Nikki ignored the press as he went to the video store and rented a couple movies, and bought some of Tommy’s favorite candy. He had his sunglasses on to help avoid them as he placed the order for the pizza and went to pick it up. By the time he got home, Tommy was waiting downstairs, fresh from the shower. Nikki smiled at him as he brought everything in.

“How are you feeling?” Nikki asked.

“I’m okay,” Tommy told him. “I’ve been ignoring the phone. Not really in the mood to hear my dad again.”

“He keeps calling, we’ll file a harassment lawsuit,” Nikki told him. “Just because he’s your family doesn’t mean you have to love him. Doesn’t mean he can get away with what he did. Blood family is forced. The family you make, that’s your real family.”

“You’re my real family then,” Tommy told him. “You and the guys. We might be broken, and a little crazy, we might have done some stupid shit together, but we’re family. And I wouldn’t have any other.” Nikki kissed Tommy gently and smiled before getting the TV ready for their movie night.

Life might beat them down, tear them apart, make them hate themselves, but when they were together, they could survive.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was requested to make an alternate ending. There is NO death in it. It picks up where Tommy's leaving the house!

Tommy took a deep breath and made his way out the door. The street was quiet. Their neighborhood was a lot better than the one that they started out in next to the Whiskey. There weren’t wild parties going on between the hours of 10 pm and 3 am every day. Things were so calm and peaceful. And sometimes Tommy ached for the old days.

He secured his bag onto his bike and took a deep breath. He knew his parents wouldn’t miss him. Nikki would at first, but he’d move on eventually. Vince and Mick would have a moment of silence before they went to find a new drummer. That was one thing Tommy always thought about himself. He was replaceable, no matter how much people said he wasn’t. They could find another drummer quickly. Nikki could move on and have a new family.

To Tommy, he was just a placeholder for the real thing.

He got on his bike and took off down the street, heading towards the High Desert Motel.

Two minutes after Tommy had left, Nikki pulled into the driveway. He had had a feeling in his gut that he was needed at home. But traffic and stop lights had delayed him. He made his way inside.

“Tommy?” Nikki called out as he made his way inside. The house was silent. That made Nikki feel sick to his stomach. Of course, Tommy might be at therapy, but something in the back of his mind told him that was not the case. He checked the music room, bathroom, kitchen (that one hurt a little to do) and every place else he could think of before he headed to their bedroom. He looked around. Nothing seemed off at first.

Until he looked at his nightstand where he kept his gun and saw the drawer was open. Rushing over to it, he dug around. The extra ammo was there (Nikki had never really learned proper gun etiquette), but no pistol. Nikki looked around the room, eyes wide, when it landed on a piece of paper on his pillow. Shakily, Nikki reached out and picked it up.

Nikki,

Let me start off by saying that I love you, and this isn’t your fault. I’ve tried for so long to make myself be the person everyone wants me to be, and I can’t do it anymore. By the time you read this, I’ll probably be gone. I checked into the Desert High Motel and I used your old name. I’m not sure which room I got. I took your gun with me, I hope you don’t mind. There’s plenty of better musicians out there who could take over the drums so Motley Crue doesn’t have to stop partying. I heard Randy Castillo is pretty good…

Anyway, I’ve got to go. I love you Nikki. I’m sorry that you wasted so much time on me.

T-Bone

“No!” Nikki tossed down the paper and ran back into the living area. He wasn’t sure where the Desert High Motel was, honestly. He grabbed the phonebook and scanned through it. Someday, he was going to break down and get internet installed in the house. Might make things quicker. But right now, he didn’t have time for that.

“Joshua Tree. That’s two hours from here!” Nikki’s hands were still shaking as he tossed the book down and headed back out to his Porsche. He was debating on calling the cops, but what if that just spooked Tommy even more. He could call Vince and have him head out there. He loved racing his car and probably knew all the shortcuts. But Nikki didn’t. Instead, he got on the I-10 and pointed his car towards Joshua Tree.

****

Vince might have been a racer, but Tommy was good at using his bike. What would’ve been a two hour trip, he cut down quite a bit by backroads and going ten or twenty over the speed limit. He didn’t care if he ended up wrapped around a pole in a non stripper way. He pulled up at the office, cash in hand, ready to pay for his room.

“Name?” The old lady at the desk asked.

“Uh F-Frank Feranna,” Tommy told her. She nodded and got the keys for him, took his cash, and pointed him in the right direction.

“You look familiar,” She told him before he left. “Are you someone famous?”

“For all the wrong reasons,” Was all he told her before he got back on his bike and drove down towards his room. He carried his bag in and tossed it on a chair. He closed his eyes for a second before looking around the room. It wasn’t as extravagant as the hotels they had stayed in before were. But it was going to do the trick. He went back to the bag and pulled out the gun, setting it on the bed while he paced and just stared at it.

“Do I want to do this?” Tommy asked. “Do I really want to leave Nikki all alone?”

‘Maybe he’ll get back with Brandi. Or that Donna chick the papers thought he was seeing back when the two of you got together,’ The voice taunted him. ‘I bet he likes her company better anyway.’

“Fuck!” Tommy cried out as he pulled at his hair. Why couldn’t he be stronger than this? Nikki had overcome addiction, which was a lot harder, in Tommy’s opinion. So why couldn’t he deal with his demons? Why did he still let his dad’s words cut him so deep? Why couldn’t he just force himself to be happy for once?

But, worst of all, why was he so willing to let Nikki, Vince, and Mick be unhappy with him? Why was he so willing to let them watch him like this? Why couldn’t he just let go so they could move on?

That’s when Tommy reached for the gun.

****

“Come on, come on,” Nikki was so close to Joshua Tree. He was sure that he had broken every driving rule California had to offer, but he really couldn’t care. His heart had steadily been beating faster since he left the house, and the minute things started to thin out and become more desert like, Nikki was sure you could see his heart beating out of his chest like those old Looney Tunes cartoons.

Joshua Tree was right there in front of him. And it didn’t take too long to find the motel. He pulled in, ready to go to the office to ask which room Frank Feranna, of all names he had to pick that one, was in. But that’s when he spied an all too familiar bike, parked in front of a room on the end. Nikki parked by it and took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he might find there. He finally got himself out of his car and walked towards the room he hoped was Tommy’s. His legs felt heavy as he approached the door.

Taking another deep breath, he raised his hand and knocked.

****

Tommy was staring at the gun in his hand. He had heard of people killing themselves with guns, but he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to position it. He was about to lift it to his head when there was a knock at the door. Tommy almost ignored it, thinking it was just the wrong person, because no one would be looking for him. But they knocked again. With a sigh, Tommy laid the gun down and went to the door.

As it opened, the last person he expected to see was Nikki standing there. But he was.

“N-Nikki,” Tommy’s eyes were wide.

“You’re surprised to see me,” Nikki pushed his way into the room. “Didn’t think I’d find your note until after you’d already been dead a few hours, didn’t you?”

“Nikki…” Was all Tommy could say. Nikki’s eyes fell on the gun laying on the bed before he turned to look at the drummer.

“What the hell are you thinking Tommy?” Nikki asked. “Is this because some asshole with a camera thought he could show off our lives? You want to take your own life because of that?”

“That’s not…” Tommy shook his head. “It’s not the only thing…”

“Then what is it huh? Do you hate me that much that you’d rather kill yourself than be with me? Are you that ashamed of us?”

“No!” Tommy yelled. Nikki had not expected that reaction. “I’m not ashamed of you or us. It’s me okay!”

“What are you talking about?” Nikki asked. “Tommy…”

“My dad has installed this idea in my head that I should be ashamed of who I am, okay?” Tommy sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. It took Nikki a second before he put things together.

“That wasn’t your therapist on the phone, was it?” He asked. Tommy shook his head. “It was your dad?”

“Y-yeah…” Tommy whispered. “I didn’t think he’d call me. I’ve moved around so much since the last time I talked to him.”

“What did he say to you?” Nikki asked, moving to sit by Tommy.

“R-remember how I told you guys that my dad kicked me out because I wanted to quit school to join a band?” Tommy asked. Nikki nodded. “Well, that wasn’t entirely accurate.”

“What did he do to you?” Nikki asked, remembering the revolving door of step dads and boyfriends who liked to smack him around while his mother watched.

“I...when I was just a teenager, I kissed a boy from school,” Tommy told him. “I didn’t think anything of it. I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, he just wanted to try it out. I had known for a little while that I liked boys. But, what I didn’t realize was my dad...he had seen us. He didn’t say anything until...until I told him and my mom that I wanted to quit school to spend more time working on the band with you, Vince, and Mick…”

“Tommy…” Nikki whispered, reaching out to cup his face and brush some tears away.

“His exact words to me were “is it because you’re a faggot?”.” Tommy told Nikki. “I was really confused until he told me he had seen me that night. I...we got into a fight and that’s when I showed up on your doorstep with a couple bags.”

“You could’ve told me baby,” Nikki told him, keeping contact because it seemed to calm Tommy some. “Back then though, I probably would’ve killed your dad. No one fucked with my favorite drummer.” He smirked a little.

“I just...I didn’t want you guys disgusted with me.” Tommy told him. Nikki frowned. “I heard the things that were said on the strip about guys like me. It was bad enough wearing the makeup and getting called names. Could you imagine what it would be like if people found out? Being gay, or bisexual, or whatever the fuck I am, it wasn’t exactly a cool and trendy thing. It was mainly stripped down to stereotypical, feminine men and butch women, waving rainbows and living in San Francisco. That’s not me...”

Nikki pulled Tommy to him. Tommy’s head rested in the curve of his neck and he just let himself melt into Nikki’s side. Nikki held him close. He had been so scared that he was going to walk into the room and find that he had really lost Tommy this time.

“Baby, you know I love you. I always love you. No matter what you do. You could braid your hair into cornrows and sing rap and I’d still love you.” Nikki rubbed his back.

“Then why can’t my parents?” Tommy asked softly into his neck. “Why can’t my dad love me for who I am?”

“I wish I had an answer for you sweetie,” Nikki held him close. “But I don’t exactly have a good relationship with either of my parents. And I know that you were really close to yours growing up. I wish I could tell you everything will be okay, that they’ll see their mistakes and realize that you’re happy, but I can tell you that I love you, and I’m here for you no matter what happens.”

“You deserve a better fiancé than me,” Tommy whispered. “You’re too good for me.”

 

“We both have been dealt shitty hands in life. I think this is the universe's way of saying sorry. It brought us together.” Nikki tilted Tommy’s head up and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. When they pulled apart, Nikki offered Tommy a comforting smile. “Do you want to go home?”

“Yeah,” Tommy nodded, not really wanting to move away from Nikki but he had rode his bike here, and he didn’t really want to leave it.

“We’ll go home and have that date I talked about earlier,” Nikki told him. “Just you and me. No one else.”

“That sounds perfect,” Tommy nodded. “I have a lot of making up to do.”

“No,” Nikki took his hand and pulled Tommy to his feet. “I’m here to catch you when you fall. Don’t ever forget that.” He kissed Tommy again before they got Tommy’s stuff and left the motel room behind.


End file.
